Reparenting yourself: Breaking Free from the Past

As children, we rely on our parents or caregivers in order to survive and meet our needs. We are not yet capable of surviving on our own. Our three most basic needs are food, shelter, and comfort. However, simply having these be present is not enough. Our most important needs in life are the need to be Seen, the need to be heard, and the need to express ourselves authentically. We also need to be able to trust that we will not be punished for doing so.

Our parents are meant to teach us how to communicate kindly and effectively, how to regulate our emotions, how to create meaningful connections with others, how to work through challenges and be resilient, how to be aware of our needs, how to set boundaries with others, how to calmly work through conflicts…and so much more. However, if parents or caregivers can’t meet a child’s physical or emotional needs, this can cause challenges as that child grows up. Reparenting can help these adults heal the inner child, who didn’t have the support.

What is Reparenting?

Reparenting is the act of exploring shared rules, behaviors, values, and beliefs you experienced in your family during childhood. Reparenting is about recognizing where your needs weren’t met as a child, how that could be impacting life today, and what you can do about it now. It is an act of relearning how to meet your needs now that you are an adult and can take care of yourself.

It means being the parent you needed as a child to yourself today. 

Some adults require significant reparenting after a traumatic or neglectful childhood. Experiencing trauma in childhood, especially if perpetrated by parents or caretakers, is a guarantee that some level of reparenting will be necessary. Children who have been abused or neglected will absolutely have internalized negative beliefs about themselves and their worth. These dynamics can create co-dependent relationships, and a pattern of unhealthy or toxic coping skills as the child grows up that will carry into adulthood. Some other ways to know if you need reparenting is if you have low self-worth, emotional addictions, significant fears of criticism or judgement from others, issues setting and holding boundaries, dreaming or praying that someone will come ‘save’ or ‘rescue’ you from your experience or emotions.

Is Reparenting only for people with trauma?

That being said, reparenting yourself does not necessarily mean you had bad parents. People learn how to be parents from their own up bringing, and messages from they received from their parents and society about what makes a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ parent. These messages are not always healthy and may be based off outdated beliefs or practices. Which is why it is important to explore what messages you received as a child and make sure they still work for you in your life today.  

For example, did your parents ever fight about money? If so, what did this teach you about money? Did you see your parents struggle with money or was there enough to go around? Believe it or not, this can impact success later in life. The stories we tell ourselves about witnessing a fight with parents about money, can mean we start to equate money with conflict. This internal belief may get in the way of our desire to make money later. Why would we want to have more of something that causes fighting?  

How did parents decide and enforce consequences? Did parents get upset and yell at you often? If so, do you see a pattern in how you punish yourself? For example, if a parent would yell and scream if you knocked over a glass of milk during dinner, you might grow up to beat yourself up anytime you are clumsy or spill something, or anytime you do anything ‘wrong.’  

Reparenting yourself requires you to become a conscious observer of your life and how you respond to it.

It requires you to do some hard work and let go of any judgement about yourself or your parent, or caregiver. Reparenting means being very aware of how you treat yourself and always attempting to be as kind and patient as possible with yourself. It means changing your inner voice to be more accepting and understanding, while setting limits with parents if there are still toxic elements in the relationship you have with them.

How does reparenting help you?

Part of reparenting means understanding our parents were often doing the best they could, given the modeling they had growing up. This is how trauma gets passed down through generations. Doing reparenting work breaks the toxic patterns and allows the Generational trauma to heal. This allows new behaviors to take over and for future generations to not have childhoods that they need to heal drastically from.  

You can do this work by focusing on self-care. Pay attention to how you nourish your body and mind: what are you eating and consuming? How does this connect to your upbringing? Make sure you are eating and drinking enough water each day. Taking care of those basic needs I mentioned earlier in this post. When you are upset, ask yourself “What can I do to help myself in this moment?” The answer might be simple, like have a snack, or it might be more complicated, like tell this friend how you really feel about what they did that hurt you.

Self-care includes having a physical outlet to move your body, like hiking, biking, yoga, or weight-lifting. Make sure you are getting enough sleep and that it’s quality. Spend time in nature, do breathwork, and/or meditation. Keeping a journal while you are doing reparenting work can be helpful to keep track of thoughts and behaviors; how you are working on challenging and shifting them. 

It’s also important to focus on self-love. How can you show up for yourself? Do you keep your word to yourself? How can you celebrate your wins? Notice how you talk to yourself when you ‘mess up?’ Be gentle with yourself as you create new habits and routines. Learn to respect your personal boundaries by saying ‘no’ to anything that is going to drain you or leave you depleted, or whatever is not for your greatest good.   

Be curious throughout this process. Judgment causes us to shut down, curiosity opens us back up and expands our inner world. Reparenting and inner child work are both painful and challenging at times. We can feel lonely and overwhelmed throughout this process, but it is incredibly meaningful and will help you create a more authentic and fulfilling life.

To get support and learn more about Private sessions with me, click here.

Sarah Seraphina is a Spiritual Activator and Liberation Guide. She is the owner of Nurtured Essence, a healing space, aimed at helping women overcome their past patterns and fears, so they may thrive and live with more power, purpose, ease, and joy. She specializes in working with healers, recovering empaths and “Damsels in Distress”, highly-sensitive women, lightworkers, and women with a sacred mission.