Why You Should Stop Saying “I’m sorry.”

Do you have a friend who is constantly saying “I’m sorry” for everything they do? Each time they’re late, they apologize, but they continue to be late. Or maybe they say sorry every time they open up to you, or call you, or forget something you said, or for being a bad friend. Or maybe this sounds more like you… 

One thing I began to realize, as I gained more experience as a therapist, is how often people say “I’m sorry” to me. Often, it is for crying in a session, or even simply expressing an emotion. Clients are constantly apologizing to me for simply being who they are, and it’s heartbreaking to me. I have people apologize for talking about ‘heavy’ topics, when that is exactly what therapy is for. In my personal life, I also hear people apologize often. Someone is in my way and they apologize. A friend calls while I’m watching a movie, and they apologize. How can anyone know where I’m going, unless I communicate that? It’s not something anyone needs to apologize for. Same with the friend, how could they have known?

What happens when we over-apologize?

When someone constantly apologizes for who they are or their actions, the people around them can start to get frustrated. When we constantly say we’re sorry, the people around us have to exert energy to convince us ‘it’s okay’ or not to worry about it. This may cause them to harbor secret resentments, feeling they can’t share their experience with us, as they will have to carry a lot of emotional labor during the conversation to assure the person who over-apologizes. When we over-apologize it begins to cheapen our words and reduce our integrity. Our apologies start to mean less and less to the people around us. 

When we apologize, we want it to be because we ACTUALLY did something wrong, or hurtful, knowingly or unknowingly. Then, of course, we need to take responsibility for that and make amends. We want our words to be meaningful, and allow others to see we follow through with actions. Remember that old saying “actions speak louder than words?” This is especially true when it comes to apologies. We need to see changed behavior from others after they have done something to hurt us, or we need to be aware of how we may need to adjust if we were the ones who caused pain.

When we are the ones over apologizing, it doesn’t feel good internally. A person is likely to be more depressed and/or have anxiety. A person who is always apologizing is not going to feel good about themselves or their relationships. They are going to be the type to focus on everything they’re doing wrong, ignoring or minimizing what they may be doing well. Over apologizing is often a sign of low self-worth, or not believing you are good, smart, strong…enough.

Are you an over-apologizer or People-Pleaser? 

This may not be something you’ve ever thought about before. Spend some time noticing throughout your day who you apologize to and for what. See what you learn about yourself and what insight this may give into your self-worth. You will likely be surprised. You do not have to apologize for taking up space or existing in the world. Notice how you FEEL each time you apologize—Does it make you feel good? Does it fill you up? Or does it make you feel bad? Does it leave you feeling heavy or drained? How do you feel when people around you apologize? Does that feel good or bad? Lighter or heavier?  

I used to be this way myself and really struggled when I began to challenge this habit in my life. It brought up a lot of pain and confusion about taking up space in the world and believing I deserve to be seen and heard. I had a lot to grieve around how much I had mistreated myself up to that point. I had to take personal accountability for my part in creating this pattern, and it was not easy. 

I especially see this behavior in women, who have been conditioned by society to not be too loud, too successful; to make themselves as small, and invisible, as possible, and to never inconvenience others. It’s almost as if they feel they have to apologize for existing. If you’ve never noticed a gender difference with this behavior, I encourage you to go to a public place and just listen and observe what takes place. See what you notice about how people apologize and who primarily does so.

What can you do if you over-apologize?

When you start to pay attention to this behavior, you will likely be surprised by yourself and others. You’ll start to really notice how bad it feels to always be apologizing. So, what can you do to break this unconscious habit? Focus more on gratitude instead! Consciously choose to express gratitude. Instead of saying…  

“I’m sorry I’m such a drag. I’m always depressed and I know you probably don’t want to be around me.”  

“I’m sorry I’m always running late. I’m a jerk, I know.”  

“Sorry for not doing the dishes yesterday. I’m useless.”  

“I’m sorry for worrying. I’m just so anxious all the time.”  

Say…  

“I know my depression isn’t always easy. I appreciate you being such a good friend and hanging out with me anyway.”  

“Thanks for being so patient and willing to wait for me.”  

“Thanks for not being upset that I forgot to do the dishes. I’ll try to pay more attention. I appreciate your understanding.”  

“Thanks for loving me, even when I’m anxious. I really appreciate all you do to support me.” 

Think about how you would feel to say the first few lines. Think about how it would feel to hear those lines from a friend. Now notice how it would feel to say or receive the second group of words from a friend. Notice how they would feel differently. Gratitude makes us and the other person feel better. It makes us feel more seen and appreciated. A person who receives gratitude is going to leave that interaction feeling positive about it. Which also allows the people around us feel safe talking to us about something we did to hurt or upset them.  

Hopefully this post has been eye-opening for you, and will give insight into this behavior if it resonates with you. Challenge yourself to focus on gratitude instead of everything you might be doing wrong. Be kind to yourself and know you are trying. Know you are doing the best you can. There is no handbook to life and no one ‘right’ way to live it! To learn more about working with me and becoming more empowered, click here.

Sarah Seraphina is a Spiritual Activator and Liberation Guide. She is the owner of Nurtured Essence, a healing space, aimed at helping women overcome their past patterns and fears, so they may thrive and live with more power, purpose, ease, and joy. She specializes in working with healers, recovering empaths and “Damsels in Distress”, highly-sensitive women, lightworkers, and women with a sacred mission.