Forgiveness in a New Light

Last week I talked about apologizing, so this week I want to talk about Forgiveness. We hear and internalize a lot of messages from friends and family about Forgiveness and what it means. It can be a really tricky thing to do successfully.  

When we experience hurt caused by another person, we have the choice to forgive. It’s important to distinguish the difference between forgiving a person verses forgiving their actions. Also, Forgiveness doesn’t mean it will stop them from doing the same thing that hurt us again and again. Does it fall on us to have to keep forgiving someone who continues to hurt us in the same ways? I don’t believe it should. When we forgive people for hurting us over and over, we can enable their behavior and allow them to treat us worse. If they believe they can do something to hurt us, and we automatically forgive them each time, we are accidentally teaching them it’s okay to abuse us, and we will tolerate it.

“Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.” —Joan Lunden  

How to know when it is time to forgive someone?

Sometimes people do things to hurt us that are, and should be, unforgivable. Due to the messages we receive about forgiveness in our society, we often try to forgive before we are ready, which can lead to more pain. We also may try to forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it. In this way, we can accidentally shame ourselves or others as victims, making it seem that the person who was victimized is now responsible for helping the perpetrator of that pain. Victims of abuse, be it physical, emotional, or sexual, should never be forced or required to forgive the perpetrator. When perpetrators are family members, this can be especially challenging.  

Also, have you ever felt forced or pressured into forgiving someone? That definitely complicates the experience and how we feel about it. We can feel that pressure internally, by having thoughts about how we are hurting the other person by not forgiving, or some other belief. We can also feel that pressure externally, by loved ones strongly urging us to forgive. No amount of pushing someone will ever work if they don’t want to within. It’s important to honor the time you need. 

We may ourselves have encouraged others to forgive. It is usually an attempt to be helpful, but we may unintentionally send a message that we are condoning the behavior of the other person involved, or minimizing the pain of the person who was hurt. It is true that we can cause ourselves more pain if we hold on to anger or resentment. However, it takes time to heal and be in a place where forgiveness is possible and we never want to force anyone to get there. 

“Forgiveness does not mean you condone a person’s actions.” —Dali Lama

Rushing to forgive others before we feel ready will likely have a negative impact on the relationship. We’ve all had a friendship or relationship where we got upset about something, but tried to forgive the person before we felt ready. We may be nice to that person on the outside, but inside we may still be burning with anger, resentment, or disappointment. It’s pretty challenging not to be irritable, and to hide our true feelings with someone when we’re still harboring negative feelings. It’s necessary to feel the fullness of our experience in order to heal and forgive.

You don’t have to forgive before you are ready to or ever.

It is true that we can experience more pain when we don’t forgive, but we are often forgiving the wrong person. When it feels impossible to forgive someone, it may be because it is! We need to focus less on forgiving others and focus more on forgiving ourselves. We can forgive ourselves for not knowing better, or forgive ourselves for not being able to stand up to someone. I’d like to share a personal anecdote about what this actually looks like…  

A few days ago, I went to the post office to send off a gift to my cousin. Now, I know these are stressful times, so I try to be patient with everyone. The clerk at the counter was immediately very rude to me. She was short with me, ignored me while she watched someone else in line, and even spoke badly about the client who left right before me. I was really upset and put off by her behavior, as I was in a really good mood, and I was mad at her for interrupting that. I realized in the moment I had a couple of choices. I could’ve easily gotten mad at her, yelled at her, or let it ruin my day completely. I tried to just brush it off and move on.  

Later that day it was still on my mind. I told myself I could forgive her for the way she was acting, but that didn’t feel like it would actually help ME. What I chose to do instead was to forgive myself. I forgave myself for letting her impact my day. I forgave myself for judging her behavior as ‘rude.’ I forgave myself for internally getting angry at her and holding on to it. I even forgave myself for complaining to a friend about her later. This helped me focus on what I could control (my own behavior and response to her), and not what I couldn’t control (her behavior and the way she treated me). Being able to forgive our own actions and when we don’t do things ‘just right’ will give you a greater sense of what you can control, and help you let go of what you can’t.   

I’m not saying you shouldn’t forgive others, it can be so important to have relationships heal, after conflicts, through forgiveness. We should focus on letting go of our anger, resentment, and move towards healing, in whatever capacity that means for you. When we forgive, it is a gift we give ourselves. Forgiveness is about releasing ourselves from the pain of the experience. Forgiveness is an important part in healing. 

Shifting the perspective to forgiving ourselves helps build our resilience, promotes feelings of self-compassion, and can increase positive self-regard. By forgiving ourselves more, we practice forgiving others when they hurt us too. Creating a self-forgiveness practice will add vitality to your life. It will help you be more compassionate and graceful towards yourself, no longer beating yourself up constantly. This naturally extends to the people around you! Try adding the Self-Forgiveness practice below to your day and see how your life starts to shift! As always, please share your experience with me, via Email, to let me know if this helped! 

Self-Forgiveness Practice:

Find a quiet moment to sit down and focus on these statements. Close your eyes and think about the answers or take some time and journal. Use these statements as prompts and see what comes up for you.  

I forgive myself for… (It could be something you did or said, or a situation you were involved in…)  

I extend forgiveness to myself for the disconnect I have created in judging…(It could be ourselves we judged, another person, or a situation.)  

I embrace myself. I accept myself.  

I bless myself with …(any blessing you choose. I.e. kindness, patience, understanding…)

If you would like help finding forgiveness and peace in your life, click here to learn more about working with me.

Sarah Seraphina is a Spiritual Activator and Liberation Guide. She is the owner of Nurtured Essence, a healing space, aimed at helping women overcome their past patterns and fears, so they may thrive and live with more power, purpose, ease, and joy. She specializes in working with healers, recovering empaths and “Damsels in Distress”, highly-sensitive women, lightworkers, and women with a sacred mission.